The Cast - Regulars
Is it spider? Is it a man? No its John, the man spider! With arms and legs that long he can wrap around the whole world to give it a weird awkward hug. The master mind behind the podcast who can edit every episode so that he wins and despite how musical he is, he has yet to make a real theme tune.
Don’t be decieved by his hakuna matata nature, this Slytherin will pounce on your weak opinions, devour them whole and spit them back at you in rhythmic fashion. He’s jazzy guy whose body can create the most powerful shapes which may help him take over the world.
And in the blue corner there's Maisie coming in at 5ft 2 and weighing the same as a satsuma. If you add two drips of Maisie into a glass of a water you get a full glass of hatred. She hates everything and everyone but she's too small to do anything about it unless it's in a lightsaber battle. she can't go outdoors or she'll burst into flames and will wear black to any occasion. She doesn't know many jokes but don't let that put you off, it's funny to hear the ridiculous stuff that's gets her ready to throw a brick at you.
Here we have a species known as Tom (scientifically known as Tomothy two-pump Bailey), Tom’s natural habitat is the great (not so great) outdoors and by that I mean any hill, tree or patch of grass with a muddy puddle. It remains unclear what he does with his time in these places as there can be no trace of any life or personality in his home, which is where the term Beige boy stems from. Mating techniques mainly consist of making rude gestures towards the microphone. Do not attempt to feed.
The Cast - Part Timers
This quirky cat lover kindly does all our podcast artwork, she stores all her adorableness in her bun found upon her head and rocks a crop top. She maybe weary of new people as she lives under constant fear that Derren Brown is constructing the world around her and whatever you do, do not bring up the world of Disney/pixar ‘cars’ as she could be triggered into a psychosis and may not return for several days with still no answers. If you want to put a ring on it, it better be in DisneyLand or brace yourself the gentlest rejection known to man.
Callum is a professional Andrew Garfield impersonator who has never had to pay for a 5p bag in his life. He may not be able to tell the difference between sponges but he can put on a hell of a show, we assume, he hasn’t actually let us go see him in any of his plays yet. He may be the coolest kid we know but he’s a true geek at heart and although has taken a seat on the podcast council he has not been given the rank of master. A word of caution; when around Callum be aware of your belongings as he tends to dribble onto them no matter how innocent you may be.
Often mistaken for Jesus but lets be fair if anything this man could be god. Has interesting theories about bushes and love.. Watches over the podcast.
And next on the cat walk sporting a very corduroy-central Instagram-worthy look is Emily (insert any middle name you want here) Brooks, the palest white a person can be who has “great jokes bro” which you can hear if you see her stand up performance or tune in to the Baker and Brooks radio show. She has no knowledge of any pop culture references and therefore she is often reduced to speaking in morse code and s club lyrics. So reach for the stars and bring it all back to Emily.
Also known as the ‘Tree Dweller’, Pete lives on a diet of leaves and rain water easily found around his treehouse home in the hills. At all times he can be found walking on top of a hill, looking out into the distance. He’s the kinda guy who has 12 bicycles in his hallway and runs 10k just for fun. FOR FUN. He has never been sighted by John or Maisie but is still the official coffee advisor of the show. Also Pete if you are reading this… do one.